Monday, April 12, 2010

Speaking of Paris Hilton and Zombies

We walked into the lobby of the Hilton Garden Hotel in Roseville, California. There was a pleasant color scheme of vanilla and sage. I said to my daughter, Giselle, "Do you know who owns this hotel?" She looked up at me with her round blue eyes and her loopy reddish curls and waited for another boring grown-up answer that might include historical legend or a lesson in gumption and know-how. "Paris Hilton's parents." I told her. She looked shocked, but I don't know why because she doesn't even know anything about Paris Hilton except that her parents own a hotel. It must be amazing for her to think of parents owning a hotel, since all we own is one house and some cars.

When I was about her age (nine) I found out how much my mom made. In 1973, she made $1,400 per month as a social worker. I was thrilled to find out we were rich. My heart was skipping around with me as I dreamt of the endless possibilities that $1,400 would bring to us each month. But wait, if we were rich, shouldn't we be living a little better? Like more toys and trips to Disneyland every weekend? My excitement quickly turned to great disappointment in my mother. She was a squanderer. Here she was making all that money and we didn't even own a candy store. Surely that's what we should have done with the money. Buy a candy store. Instead she was wasting all my money on a private school for me, trips to Europe, and bills. What an idiot.

We do a lot of traveling with our kids but it's usually sports related. This weekend it was a swim meet for Giselle. We arrived Saturday night and went to dinner with the other families, returning to our rooms about 9:00. Giselle laid down in her fluffy comfy bed with her stuffed rabbit, Sally, and fell asleep pretty quickly. I read my book for about an hour and then the noise started. It's okay, I accept it and deserve it. It is my karma. I prepare as much as possible by bringing the sound machine, Benedryl, and a special pillow. I don't drink any caffeine that day, and I sleep alone. I always ask the desk clerk to give us a quiet room on the top floor. But here's what happens ... every time:

There is a group of zombies who travel around the country. They always check into their rooms late because zombies are mostly active in the evenings. I can hear them getting out of the elevators and dragging themselves down the hallway, step - drag, step - drag, step drag and banging their luggage full of extremities and sweetbreads against the walls as they search for their room. Their rooms are always next to mine.

I'll hear a loud moan as their room door slams shut and they start unpacking all of their luggage right away. I can here the drawers open and then SLAM shut. Then they go into the bathroom to unpack their beauty products and Sonicare but most of it drops onto the tile floor. This takes them about an hour because zombies don't have the dexterity of the living. Sometimes they're missing digits so that makes it even harder to get a grasp onto the hardware.

Zombies love television shows. In fact, television is attributed with the creation of many zombies. But since they're essentially dead, their hearing is shit, so they have to have the volume up abnormally high. It's not really their fault, they need to stay somewhere while they're traveling across the country, right? What I really hate about zombies is that they're such fakers. That moaning goes on for hours and hours and I can't help but mumble to myself "Just fake your climax and get it over with, already!"

I have it coming. It's my karma.

Back in my 20's, we would rent hotel rooms in swanky hotels and drink and party all night long. Screaming, throwing things, flooding toilets, loud music, naught movies, and maniacal laughing. I had no concept of anyone existing outside of myself. I don't remember the front desk ever calling us up. Nobody ever knocked on the walls and told us to shut up. It all just added up in a giant karma account, just waiting for me to grow up and have children.

On Sunday, after a solid three hours of sleep, I stood in the freezing cold rain for 8 hours and cheered on my daughter's team while I drank coffee from the concession stand and wiped my nose on my scarf. Today I have a fever and a stuffy nose. My extremities are still cold and stiff. I may be turning into a zombie. I wonder what's on tv?

Photo credit Zombieme, and check out Zombie Squad


  1. Great post, Sharon. Good to see you back.

  2. Zombie Paris Hilton looks exactly like Sharon Osbourne? AM I WRONG? No!

    But yeah, screw those zombies. :)

  3. "Just fake your climax and get it over with, already!"

    LMAO. I've missed you around these parts.

  4. Scribe - Thanks.

    V.A. - Perhaps Sharon got some of her parts from the dead? Her husband is the Prince of Darkness!

  5. Very well written; inspiring. Worth the wait from your last entry.

    BTW there's a new ebook reader that totally ripped off your slogan. "Read me. Browse me. Love me."


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.