Wednesday, June 17, 2009

5 Things People Don't Tell You


If you've ever had a sneaking suspicion that there are things people aren't telling you, you're right. The paranoia you feel around a group of strangers is justified. Here are 5 things that I think you should know:

1. You know the Thank You cards that you hate to write? You put them off as long as you can. It's worse than ironing or doing the bills. The guilt you feel for not being a caring thoughtful person seeps into your psyche until finally you get those little suckers out in the mail. The secret is that's how everyone else feels too! It's not just you. Every Thank You card you've ever received preceded along the above path. Most people would sacrifice the present rather than write another obligatory Thank You card. That's why whenever I give a present, I say "... and as part of your present, I'm letting you off the hook for the Thank You card. I insist that you do not send me one." They are forever grateful. For real.

2. If you have to ask someone if the pants make you look fat, they do. Follow your instincts on this one. By the way, it may not be the pants, it might just be your butt. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm only trying to help. Sometimes the truth hurts, but so do tight pants.

3. Everyone is tired. So don't expect any pity from us.

4. When someone says "Well good for you" and their head tilts just a little to the side and their voice sounds sweet like a nurse about to give a shot ... they're really trying to say something else like: "Are you fucking kidding me?" or "You bitch! You get everything I want!" or "You are a complete moron." Just wait until the next person says "Well good for you" and you'll understand what a patronizing passive aggressive slap in the face this really is. So you should just flip them off and walk away and scream "Well good for you too!!!"

5. If you believe you know what your teenager is doing, just you wait until they turn 23 and tell you all the things they got away with. You are not as cool as you think you are.

The aforementioned 5 Things People Don't Tell You is based solely on own my self-centered perspective and wretched experiences. You may see things differently. In any event, I'm still right.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Inside the Restaurant Review


I'm happily married. What a drag, because I'd just love to do that Match.com thing? I don't want to date anyone or meet anyone or certainly not cheat on my husband. I only want to know who or what they'd fix me up with. Would Match.com know me better than I know myself? Would it be an engineer who loves to polka? A UFC fight trainer with a Hummer? An anti-war activist in tan corduroys and patchouli oil?

It think Internet dating would be comparable to when I'm clothes shopping with a friend and she picks something out for me. Proudly holding it up above the racks and shouting from across the store "Sharon! This is perfect for you!" and one of two things happen: 1) I'm flattered that she thinks I'd look great in something from Juniors; or 2) I realize my friend knows absolutely nothing about me and should be fired or given away to an old lady because that's who she's good at shopping for.

When I did my restaurant review this morning for Uptake.com I was completely uninspired and didn't feel like doing anything. My first thought was to just post a picture and write "You figure it out!" It's harder than I thought to pull creativity out of my ass on a blank day. But that, my dear, is precisely why I do it. Training.

I like this review. I hope you do too. It made me chuckle.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Bitter Curse


We all fill out little cards for contests, buy lotto scratchers, and bid on an auction item you don't even want just for the sake of charity. You never think you'll actually win, but sometimes you might fantasize about marching into your bosses office and nailing him with a squirt gun full of pee pee "I'm rich and I quit!" Or driving to the gym in your Porche Boxter and parking next to the skinny young bitch who always hogs all the equipment and commenting "What a pretty color. Did all the 1987 Ford Fiestas come in that color or did you have it painted special?"

Uptake is the travel website I write restaurant reviews for and they were having a pretty great contest thanks to the Silverado Resort. I never win contests, but I thought I'd win this one because 1) I was entering into it for my friends and that's uncommonly altruistic of me. So I thought the Universe would say "Hey! Sharon's being generous, let's give her a prize"; and 2) We deserved it more than the other entrants. I'm not making this claim based on anything but logic. I offer the evidence for your review. Read the winning post and then read Blogger Queen's entry post.

The winning post was from "My Misanthropic Musings" and while I'm sure that prior to winning this contest Lisa Crovo Dion was a perfectly nice woman, she is now a horrible person for winning this contest. Don't try and talk me out of hating her. I've already tried praying about it and meditating on her and her little friends deserving it more and needing it more. But it didn't work. Then I contemplated that perhaps their Girls Spa Weekend would be riddled with scorching sunburns, cat fights, and volcanic hangovers and that did make me feel a tiny bit better.

In spite of all this self-analysis and reflection I'm still bitter and thus I've decided there is something that must be done about it. An amends. I think her and her little friends owe me and my little friends an amends. I think it should come in the form of a postcard from their vacation. I want to know that they feel extremely guilty and they all wish the Blogger Queen and Friends could be there to join them. Please head over to her blog and tell her she needs to take care of this for the sake of her own kharma.

If they don't, I'll put upon them the following curse:

"May your children contract lice when you put your house on the market and your husband's away on business. And for those without children or husbands, may you get crabs"

See? We should have won.