Thursday, October 22, 2009

What's In Your Purse Today?


In my purse:

i.Phone. Listed here first because of its various lifesaving qualities. Without it, I would not be able to eavesdrop on police and fire radio traffic, check my horoscope, pump myself with funk-a-delic music, check the weather in Alaska and Central America, pop bubble rap, and text people because I hate to talk on the phone.

Rubber Poop. I carry this emergency rubber poop in my purse for various strategic purposes. It's most useful for saving your seat at a meeting or something. But it's really awesome for crowd control. That does not mean rubber poop will calm down a crowd. Just the opposite. I can control a crowd of tourists by covertly plopping the poop in the middle of a crowded walkway. I can make them hop, push, yell, giggle, straddle, gag, and cause mobile anarchy.

Medicine. Including, but not limited to, ibuprohen, anxiety medication, Benedryl, and an epi-pen in case someone goes into shock, then I get to stick 'em like in Pulp Fiction. *STAB*

The Evil Lip Liner. I don't know why it's still in here. I hate it for two reasons: 1) It is constantly trying to pass itself off as a pen so that I will pull it out when I'm trying to write a check in line. (side note: Checks are for losers). 2) I don't even have any lips to necessitate lining. They are so thin that once I put the lip liner on, there is very little need for the actual lipstick part since my whole lip in its entirety is covered by a thin line of blossoming plum.

Swiss Army Knife. I picked up this little gem at Aint Diane's estate. I tried to clip my daughter's toenail with the scissors but they were so lame that they bent her nail and then ripped it. "Ouch Mommy!" I live in a nice area so I haven't needed the knife for anything ... yet. I guess I just like it for the toothpick. I just used it two minutes ago to sweep out a piece of cilantro!

Measuring Tape. Left over from the days of interior design. I just can't imagine not having it it my purse. I use it all the time. Used it today, twice. Plus, if I'm trying to win over a little kid, I can use as bait to make them smile at me.

3 x 5 Notebook. For all my thoughts and lists. Oh my God the lists. Here's a few in the most recent pages:

* Rapid Fire Thoughts (listed are some ideas for stories that include "Fondue Festival" and "Apple Dolls and Crafts Fairs")

* Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein's addresses and telephone numbers, just in case I need to let them know how I feel and what I think is right and wrong and stupid.

* Party lists for three different family parties I've thrown in the last month, mostly it's about the fondue though, my new love.

* Sunglasses that I need to replace because my 23-year old son looked at me in utter shock and disgust. "Do you really wear those?" he laughed? He thought they were a prop, I guess. "I mean they look like you got them at a liquor store ... in Alaska!" "What' wrong with them?" I protested with a pout. "I see old men wearing these in Alaska, mom." Whatever asshole.

What's in your purse today? And if you're a man or some kind of a weird female who doesn't carry one, what's in your glove compartment?

6 comments:

  1. The question is "what's not in my purse."

    1. Cell phone - it's often dead since I leave it with only one bar of power most times - but it's still in there.

    2. A pair of socks. I always have cold feet and not in the metaphoric sense.

    3. A gift certificate for a massage and pedicure - I'm still waiting for a good time to redeem it, but it never seems to happen.

    4. Lipstick/lipgloss - my mom told me to never go out without wearing lipstick. It's the only thing I listened to growing up.

    5. A bottle of water - I'm a water freak. Gotta have it at all times.

    6. Paper - it's receipts, papers, notes.

    My glove compartment list is decidedly smaller: CDs, the car manual and a bottle of air freshener for when the boxer farts after coming back from the dog park - which is often.

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  2. ahahaha I love that you have rubber poop in your purse! I lost mine a few months ago when I was trying to trick my roommate for the 28th time with it on his bed. Then the dog really did eat it.

    I have a book, a cell, a bottle of vita water, about 10 various vitamin bottles, a lot of loose vitamins at the bottom of my purse bc it came open, a few pieces of loose gum stuck to the side, a plastic baggie full of jalepeno peppers (that have been there way too long) a luna bar, and no money.

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  3. Lots of allergy medicine, bp medicine, ibuprofin, pamprin, Starbucks VIA coffee (for emergencies only), Weight Watchers stuff (including my "weight diary" which I will guard with my life), 3 pairs of reading glasses that I can never find when I need them, lots of cords for my phone. It's kind of sad my boys have grown out of me having to have trains and race cars in my purse. Oh yeah, and a Fiber One bar, also for emergencies. I do think I would like a Swiss Army knife and some rubber poop. Do you know of a place where I can pick them both up at the same time?

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  4. A red wallet stuffed with plastic cards, other peoples business cards, receipts and a small amount of money and change. A red Coach covered palm that holds my calendar and life! My phone (always charged; always on). 4 pens, which I can never find when I need them. Small notebook for misc. notes. My business cards, tea bags, cough drops, 2 pairs of cheater glass, cuz Don won't carry his own! A bluetooth (even though it currently can't be used due to a broken ear piece). Make up of the cover it and color it variety, of course. And my never leave home without it Advil. NO wonder my purse resembles a large piece of luggage!

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  5. This is great, I am always curious about what other people carry around and why. As for me, I actually carry a small backpack so that if I bend over to wipe a nose or grab a toy it cannot slide off my shoulder and smack one the many small children I have in the head. So what is in there... a cell phone, a wallet, a pen, chapstick, an accordian "brag book" key chain and keys, glasses, checkbook (in case I feel like being a loser), kleenex, a pacifier, a hot wheel car, and a small plastic bone (don't ask). The best thing in there though is a very special "OCD" pill case that is about the size of a double deck of cards but managaers to hold: a few pieces of gum, tylenol, advil, midol, allergy pills, my son's medication, a nail file, an extra pair of contact lenses, a bobby pin, a safety pin, 1 shout wipe, 2 wrapped q-tips, a marble and my current chip. It sounds bigger than it is... really. :) Bridget

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  6. I just found your blog...very funny. I've enjoyed reading your past posts. I love Ain't Diane.
    In my purse...
    1. Mole Skin...you never know when you might get a blister or need to repair a mole suffering from skin loss.
    2. Milk 'o' Magnesia...you never know when heartburn will strike and an entire bottle of Milk 'o' Magnesia will be necessary.
    3. Empty wallet...you never know when you will need an empty wallet for which to put random and useless business cards into.
    4. Broken cell phone...you never know when nobody will call cuz' the phone is always turned off.
    5. Various meds...cuz' you never know.

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