Thursday, September 24, 2009

One Last Thing Before I Die

I was filling in some calendar dates on my iPhone yesterday when I realized that I was purposefully leaving clues so that, in the event of my murder or kidnapping, the authorities would be able to find me (or my body).

I sometimes fantasize about what my family would do without me, what kind of a eulogy I would get, who would pick out the music, will Kathy remember that she promised to remove and destroy anything that might embarrass me in my otherwise peaceful afterlife. I worry that I'll die before I finish each book so I try to read a little faster.

When I was seven I found a tiny little red spider in my bed. I had never ever seen one like it before so I considered it might be deadly. I also assumed it had already bitten me and I might be slowly dying. Even then I had a knack for the melodrama so I wrote a note on a piece of paper and tucked it under my pillow so it could be found during the discovery of my body. It simply said "it was a little red spider that killed me"

So just in case this is my last day, I need to tell you something important:

Watch "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on FX tonight at 10pm. It's really good.


  1. i love how smart and funny you are and i promise that if you die before me that i will give you a really smart and funny eulogy. well, at least i will try. since i am not as smart and funny as you, it will be tough. but, hey with you out of the picture, i might be the smartest, funniest person in the room. well, at least i'll be the strongest.

  2. lol.....I've got a whole "bucket list" thing going on for when I die....not "things I want to do before I kick the bucket" but rather things I want done at my funeral when I do kick the bucket...I'll be wearing a gold bikini and stilettos, will have U2 blasting at the viewing and will have Cosmo's being served by hot topless waiters.......

  3. Of course I will remember to clean out your "personal" items - it's our deal and it's an important one!

  4. I'm with Mags. I'll be wearing aviator sunglasses so even in the afterlife, no one will be able to see my eyes and know what I'm thinking. I'll also be hanging all of my beautiful (read rather large, bordering on tacky) rings on the inside of the lid so that my followers can choose a ring (or three - I have lots) so they can wear it and remember me. I'd also be passing down my incredible taste.

  5. I love it. "it was the little red spider..." You make me smile so big. Mostly because it's good to know there are other neurotic women out there just like me. :)

  6. Mags - Bikini? Really? I'm in awe.

    Kathy - Very important.

    Scribe - Can I have a ring now?

    Summer - I know, we are a hot mess aren't we?


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