Monday, September 14, 2009

A Cowboy, a Blackout, and a Horse

I went to Texas for a family reunion when I was 19-years old. This was right after I did the hair show for Sebastian Hair products where they used me to introduce one of their newest colors: Banana Yellow. [what do you mean I haven't blogged that story yet! On it.]

To the average Texan, I looked like a wicked city girl straight out of that crazy MTV show on the TV. I was the closest thing they had ever seen to Cyndi Lauper and believe me, I was not embraced by adoring fans.

I walked into a Circle K for a pack of smokes and stood at the counter watching while the clerk rang up everyone in a pair of Lee's first. Then after everyone had left, it was my turn. The leper. I didn't get her standard southern greeting "How ya'll doin' today?". I just got a hateful stare right and silence. After asking for my brand again, she slid them across the counter so that she wouldn't catch my yankeeness (I'm sure they think its a real disease affiliated with that AIDS that came over from homosexual monkeys from Africa).

Back at the family home, one of the rancher's boys invited me out to a party. Or I might have just insisted so he took me. I probably forced myself on this guy with a promise of "a good time." Sucker.

The party was at a large hall with banquet tables, streamers, and lot of free beer. He walked in with me and quickly set me down one of the folding chairs. There was country music, cowboy boots, and line dancing. Some two-step too. But nobody would come near me. And that's the last thing I remember about the party.

Fast forward to 1:00am. The cowboy must have rolled me out of his truck in front of the family homestead where I managed to climb two flights of stairs in a house that's probably 200 years old. Most of my immediate family was sleeping there and my stumbling footsteps thundered through the quiet halls and into the tiny old bathroom with the light you turned on by pulling a chain.

I pulled my tight spandex pants down to pee and that's when I found my crotch was entirely a deep black and blue. I was horrified to think what must have just happened to me. All I could remember was a lot of pissed off cowboys and their bitchy uptight girlfriends giving me hard looks while I drank, and drank, and drank. Me with my banana yellow Flock of Seagulls hairdo and spandex rocker-girl pants.

I panicked and ran to my mother's room so she could panic too. Thud thud thud .... "Mom! Look what happened to me! What's wrong with me?!" I cried as I spread eagle for my poor mother who was still half dreaming in the moonlight room of her youth. I dragged her into the bathroom for another look and she was stumped. "Oh I don't know what that is Sharon!" she said concerned-like. "Does it hurt?" "Kind of" I replied, but there was no other information. No more answers or clues, so I passed out.

It wasn't until the next morning when I remembered I had gone horseback riding ... drunk. Instead of posting with he saddle, I just banged into it, again and again and again. I was kind of limp and rubbery so I hung on for a long time. Even though the horse tried hard to get me off by jumping over stuff, running me into the fence, and just refusing to budge.

Here we are twenty-something years later and I still don't know if it was the cowboy or the horse. Everything is big in Texas.


  1. Ouch:)

    I had a friend who broke her pubic bone on a mechanical bull once. That wasn't pretty.

    It sure was funny though. You know, not for HER so much...

    Anyway, stupid people with their intolerance for funky hairdos. I had pink hair for a while in my younger days and electric blue. I loved it.

  2. I'm sure the horse didn't mind your choice of hair style/colour!

    People get weird when it comes to hair colour. I have a friend who had dark in the front and blond in the back - it suited her - but whenever we went out there were points and stares and mouths agape. One day, in a mall, I lost it and yelled for anyone to hear "It's just hair, people! Get the feck over it!"

  3. I've always wanted Cyndi Lauper hair. One year for Halloween I dressed up like Cyndi and attempted to style my hair just like her. It took me a week to get all the knots and tangles out.....

  4. oh yeah...

    p.s. Nice to have you back! I've missed reading your blogs!

  5. seriously?!? is NO-one else going to comment on the bruised va-jay-jay???
    OK, I will address the big black and blue elephant in the room...
    holy hell, sharon...that is some sick and wrong and seriously (becuase I AM sick and wrong) funny shit. I can oly imagine you on that horse, all floppy and loose, banging your hoo-ha back and forth on the saddle knob...which I am sure would have been more fun than the uptight cowboy in his too tight wranglers...he probably had a teeny tiny little pecker anyway, which would in no way be able to inflict that kind of damage to your sensitive little girl parts.

  6. got any pictures? you should ask your mom.

  7. Okay, who is anonymous (gina?) because that's funny! I remember Sharon with her BRIGHT banana yellow hair. Try to picture a 19 year old, 5'10" tall, 99ish pds, wearing something slutty, pale as can be (except the red patches where she tried to tan, because she has NEVER been able to tan) with yellow hair sticking straight up and her walking in a room and strutting her stuff. She got attention for sure! Who says it would have only been one cowboy?

  8. i can TOTALLY picture it and that is what makes me REALLy laugh. I can picture her, with her glide-walk, in high heels no less, towering over the poor little cow-pokes.
    and no, kathy, of course this is not, i mean gina.

  9. lol.. As a proud Texan, I must say that is an amazing story. I bruised my vajayjay once too, but the story wasn't near as interesting. When I was about eleven and I had made an attempt to slide down a railing on a steep set of stairs. I wasn't the brightest child...


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.