Friday, August 28, 2009

The Magic Incantation for Finding Things

The minute I say this out loud:
"I think [name] stole my [thing]"
it will magically appear and thus remind me that I'm a paranoid anti-social lame brain because it was right where I left it. Either in that special place where I'll remember it later. Or the secret drawer where nobody ever looks. That's why I can never accuse anyone to their face. I have to say it behind their back so that I don't owe anyone an apology. Because there's nothing worse than saying "I'm sorry." Except for maybe "I was wrong."

After I had finished removing the truckloads of trash from Ain't Diane's house and after the estate sale, we called in the Salvation Army to remove the final remnants of an overly gathered life. However, when I returned the next day I looked for my expensive vacuum and it wasn't there! I had specifically asked my mother to put a note on it and not let them take it. But no, it was gone. It was the final nail in my resentment coffin engraved with "Thanks a lot, Aunt Diane."

I was so full of self-pity and righteous indignation that I had to spend an hour composing myself before I even spoke to my mom. I tried to have a forgiving spirit. Then I tried to talk myself out of wanting it back because it was used to suck up all the rat shit while I kept saying in my head "they're only Raisinettes, they're only Raisinettes, they're only Raisinettes." I reflected on my poor mother's stress in loosing her sister and dealing with the estate. How could I expect her to keep track of my one thing? I tried to give the vacuum to the universe saying "It has gone on to someone who needed it more" and that just made me want to drive to Salvation Army and yank it from some poor person's hands. "Mine!" I'd say. Nothing worked.

At last, I reached a fake gentle tone in my heart and called my mom to ask about it. She was seriously apologetic and took it all on herself. My youngest daughter hugged me and said "I'm sorry the Army guys took your vacuum, mom." Sigh. My mom gave me $200 to replace it. Instead of saying thank you, I said something shitty like "Well, I suppose that will be a start. It was a very expensive vacuum, mom."

I researched my options on the Internet, reading reviews from consumers and experts alike. It took me three days. I went to three different local stores so that I could feel, lift, push, and open them. After all that, I simply went to Sears and purchased the exact same model I had before and it was less than $200. I asked for some bags because I hate running out and plus I wanted to spend all of that $200. Then they gave me the receipt which I had to drive all the way over to the loading dock. While waiting in the line, I tell someone who doesn't care that my vacuum was taken by the Army guys. Finally they brought out a large box and told me it was light enough for me to lift and carry myself. Thanks.

It was so cumbersome that it sat in the back of my car for another day before I lugged it in my front door. I brought the little plastic bag of vacuum bags over to my new hall closet to "put them where they go" and guess what was standing there staring at me? My old vacuum. I swear it was mocking me. My first instinct was: Hide it, nobody has to know.

I went with my second intuition (which seems to always be better than my first) and called my mom and confessed. She laughed so hard I could hear her eyes closing and I pictured her leaning way back in her little office chair. Like the good mom that she is she laughed at my ridiculousness. I returned the vacuum to the stupid loading dock which has all the ambiance of the Planned Parenthood office in B.F. Egypt.

As of today, I'm missing my giant cutting board that I just bought and my bread knife. I'm pretty sure one of my girlfriends snatched it either during a party or they broke in afterwards and ran away with it. So, now that I've officially blamed someone else, I'm ready to find them in some conspicuous place that makes me feel horrible about myself.


  1. I love it!!! And am soooooo enjoyng that cutting board and knife, thanks!

  2. Welcome to my world, Sharon! The same thing happened with a ring that I'd bought while on vacation in Mexico. It was all silver and marcicite (is that how you spell it?) and I swear a tenant had picked up the bauble or my dog had ingested it. Two years and a layer of grime later, I was rummaging through my bathroom drawer and it was exactly where I had left it, taken off before I had a shower.

  3. If I had seen your cutting board and knife thingey, you know I would have taken them because I'm always looking for some wood to cut things on - like accusatory friends' heads!

  4. I don't know who you are, or how I found your blog, but I love it. It makes the stuff that goes on in my head (and sometimes out loud when I can't stop it (or when people don't deserve the filter)) feel like just par for the course.

  5. Wendy! That's MINE!! GIve it back!

    Scribe - I took your ring. And then returned it to make you feel stupid.

    Kutting Kathy - I will give you some other wood, if you'll just return MINE!

    Bethro - My husband says that I don't have a filter. Its funny that you mention that piece of equipment.

  6. Oh, the filter. Like a Condom: overrated until it's not used.

  7. Ewwwww...rat shit, really???? I am terrified of rodents and anything associated with them. If I had to vacuum up their fecal matter with my expensive vacuum, this would automatically be grounds for a new vacumm cleaner in my books. Too bad you couldn't have kept the new one, put the old, rat-shit contaminated one back in the box and return it instead. Just sayin'.....

  8. Mags - I love being your hero. (for explanation, visit her blog)

  9. I know that the drive by yesterday was not really to see who would dare throw water balloons at kids (because you know that shit is just FUNNY), but to look me in the eyes and ask about your knife. You will NEVER get it back. It is in my little storage chest with the little tokens that I steal from homes (like a serial killer keeps locks of hair). Don't even bother to look in your medicine cabinet. I went through that, too! MWAH HA HA HA

  10. I knew it was you, Sharon! Geesh, that's the last time I ask you to house-sit! I even left you rat shit to clean up 'cause I know how you love it...

  11. Anon (gina) - I know you have the knife and until you return it I'm going to continue with the roadside water bombings that I'm paying those b
    boys to do

    scribe- don't you mean raisinettes?

  12. Oh MAN. :) That is so something I would do. And we never learn from these things. Not one time. We just keep on doing it.

    Is it wrong I want Raisinettes BADLY now? I'm trying not to connect them with ratshit in any way in my mind, for the sake of my sanity (and rug).

  13. oh, only think that you found your cutting board and knife in that really bizarre spot on accident. remember when i came to your house the other night for dinner, and i had to leave on all those 'errands' back to my house for all the stuff you forgot to have at YOUR house? well, that is when i snuck your stuff right into the back of your green car...pretty sneaky, huh??
    also, my large, augmented breasts always distract men while i am keying their car. and, the way that paulo and i polished off all that wine, i will never get my 10 year chip at this rate! dammit!!

  14. So, where did you find the cutting board and knife? (Kari)

  15. Okay everyone - you'll never believe it. I found my cutting board and knife in the back of my old car. The car that I never drive. I cannot imagine how it got there. It is a magical miracle.

  16. This cracked me up. My Mom used to constantly do this...anything she couldnt find...straight to me asking where I put it. I put it where you left it!


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