Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Bitter Curse
We all fill out little cards for contests, buy lotto scratchers, and bid on an auction item you don't even want just for the sake of charity. You never think you'll actually win, but sometimes you might fantasize about marching into your bosses office and nailing him with a squirt gun full of pee pee "I'm rich and I quit!" Or driving to the gym in your Porche Boxter and parking next to the skinny young bitch who always hogs all the equipment and commenting "What a pretty color. Did all the 1987 Ford Fiestas come in that color or did you have it painted special?"
Uptake is the travel website I write restaurant reviews for and they were having a pretty great contest thanks to the Silverado Resort. I never win contests, but I thought I'd win this one because 1) I was entering into it for my friends and that's uncommonly altruistic of me. So I thought the Universe would say "Hey! Sharon's being generous, let's give her a prize"; and 2) We deserved it more than the other entrants. I'm not making this claim based on anything but logic. I offer the evidence for your review. Read the winning post and then read Blogger Queen's entry post.
The winning post was from "My Misanthropic Musings" and while I'm sure that prior to winning this contest Lisa Crovo Dion was a perfectly nice woman, she is now a horrible person for winning this contest. Don't try and talk me out of hating her. I've already tried praying about it and meditating on her and her little friends deserving it more and needing it more. But it didn't work. Then I contemplated that perhaps their Girls Spa Weekend would be riddled with scorching sunburns, cat fights, and volcanic hangovers and that did make me feel a tiny bit better.
In spite of all this self-analysis and reflection I'm still bitter and thus I've decided there is something that must be done about it. An amends. I think her and her little friends owe me and my little friends an amends. I think it should come in the form of a postcard from their vacation. I want to know that they feel extremely guilty and they all wish the Blogger Queen and Friends could be there to join them. Please head over to her blog and tell her she needs to take care of this for the sake of her own kharma.
If they don't, I'll put upon them the following curse:
"May your children contract lice when you put your house on the market and your husband's away on business. And for those without children or husbands, may you get crabs"
See? We should have won.