Friday, May 22, 2009

New Equipment for Moms

Summer had mentioned in her recent post that she can feed two babies and help another with homework simultaneously. This is the epitome of mothering and woman-ness. Multitasking. It's a skill that nature gave us in order to handle all the things that come to our attention. We gather information, facts and mix it with our experience and formulate solutions. While our brothers on this planet see one thing at a time and cannot handle more than one task in a day. But nature should have included some of the following equipment to make us even more efficient.

Shelves. I want to have several shelves installed on my body to put plates and cups on so I won't have to make ten trips to the table.

Drawers. If I had drawers installed in my body I would never loose my keys or glasses again. Plus I could keep my cellphone and pepper spray in there.

Spikes. Although I'm very emotionally spiky at times and people stay clear when I have my angry face on, I would still appreciate spikes that I could launch on command.

Volume. A volume dial on my ears would be so helpful for ignoring crying, whining, screaming, and idiotic tween goofy-ness.

Four Eyes. I'd like to actually have the eyes in the back of my head that I've been advertising all these years.

Tight Tummy. Now this has no practical use or reason. I just don't understand why something this important has to fall apart? Why did nature have to take this away from me. I know, I know, exercise, diet, lipo, blah blah blah. NO! I just can't hassle with all that nonsense. I just wanted it naturally granted to me.

I'm going to visit with a plastic surgeon and ask for an estimate. I would argue that these suggestions would make life easier and make much more sense than big boobs, tight eyes, golden skin, and long nails. Seriously.


  1. Well damn! Sign me up for all of those bodily updates. Once the placenta detaches, it should release a special tummy-flattening enzyme.

    That pic is all sorts of strange by the way. It's not supposed to, but it making me feel all naughty just looking at it.

  2. OMG, Woman! You speak to my soul. I want all of it. Sign me up. I fool my kids with the eyes in the back of my head thing too. They have no idea that they are just predictable.

  3. Hey woman! I've got a Blog Award for you over in my neck of the woods.

  4. Akilah - you should have seen the other pictures I found when I googled "Mom Equipment"!!!

    Summer - I have a 23 year old and he still believes in the eye thing. Sucker.

    Akilah - I can't believe it! I'm coming over now.


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