Sunday was Mothers Day. It was for all the good mothers in the U.S. who deserved a Hallmark card, flowers from the grocery store, and a weird breakfast made of dry cereal in a bowl with black olives on top. Then they got to pretend to eat it while their child stood watching with a look of great excitement and pride.
But today, Monday, I would like to officially claim as Bad Mothers Day because let's face it, yesterday was a disappointment. All we really wanted was to be left alone for one day. To wake up late and have coffee brought to us. We wanted everyone to plan their own food. We didn't want to go to any games, picnics, swim parties, luncheons, or pancake breakfasts. Us Bad Mommies would like one day without a million responsibilities.
If you can check off at least two items below, you'll qualify as a Bad Mother and you can have today to do whatever the hell you want to do or not do.
1. Forget that it's Early Pick-up Day at school and get the dreaded phone call from the somewhat condescending school secretary telling you your child has been waiting for you for 30 minutes in front of the school. You race right over and make-up a string of lies and excuses on the way.
2. Offer your six-year old child a tub of ice cream and a spoon if they'll just let you sleep in for another hour.
3. Assign an entire section of the family photo album to be titled "Sean's Bathroom Pictures" and hold it over his head throughout high school.
5. Hide the last cookie behind your back as your child comes into the kitchen and asks for it. "Sorry, you must have eaten them all. Way to go."
6. Give them cold medicine when they're not really sick because the directions clearly state "Use only when needed" and you really needed them to go to sleep.
7. Give them Tylenol and send them to school.
8. Fake a phone call to their friend's house and relay the bad news "Looks like they're not home. Guess we'll have to schedule a play date for another day."
9. You let your 2nd grader wear make-up.
10.Your child has lice
Here's to you Bad Mothers of America. Go get a mall massage, a cup of coffee, and watch daytime tv. Plan a nice fresh hot pizza for dinner and fake a headache at 6:30 so you don't have to tuck the kids in and read stories. Go ahead, you deserve at least one day a year.