Monday, April 6, 2009

My Better Half


That's what I'd name this product and what a great product it is! I'd like to expand it's usages to reflect the needs of the average American. Pay attention China.

1. Qualify for the carpool lane by hanging the arm out the passenger window. Enjoy the looks of horror as the passing car takes a gander at your decapitated friend. "Beep Beep! Outta my way or I'll cut your head off too!"

2. Virtual Mommy. a) Use as a prop to keep your infant in a seated position. b) Great for soft spanking. c) "I'll just lay with you until you fall asleep"

3. Hand-job Vibrator. You would need to install some kind of shaking device in the middle two fingers. [Side note: Spray with Scotch Guard first]

4. Win the Vote: "All in favor? Raise your hand."

5. Depression Therapy: A shoulder to cry on plus you can use the pocket to hold your chocolate covered Prozak candy.

6. Beach Toy: Bury in the sand and yell "Shark! Shark!"

7. Chasing: No special trick, just make a frantic schizo face while you run after people, shaking it above your head.

How much extra for the girl? I have work for her too.

6 comments:

  1. Scotch Guard? That took me a minute... funny and gross!

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  2. Oh my goodness, woman. LMAO! Too funny. I'd use number one ten times a day! Outta my way a-holes or face decapitation! By the way, I'm not into violence ... the helping hand made me do it, officer.

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  3. Where did you find this?
    I would definitely use the Virtual Mommy idea. Maybe wrap it in a heating blanket and install a ticking device for infants.

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  4. I have this product saved for a future post--I was trying to figure out what to say. But I think you covered all of it, and better than I could have. Awesome post. I bow the the Queen Blogger! :)

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  5. Kathy - Isn't everything that's gross just a little bit funny?

    Akilah - I love picturing you explaining your phantom arm to the cops.

    Alison - Those heartbeat sounds are sooo creepy! My daughter has it on her sound machine and sometimes I put it on to scare everybody. 'Cause that's the kind of mom I am.

    Susannah - I bow back. Your post today was, as I used to say in 4th grade, grossinating! Everybody! Go see www.petuniaface.com

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  6. I mean http://petuniafacedgirl.blogspot.com/ !!!

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