Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Attention All Idiots

Stop walking in front of me in the grocery store. I will not tolerate your inconsiderate aisle blocking any longer. Don't act pissed off just because you have to move your cart full of Hamburger Helper, Doritos, and box wine. If you want an intimate shopping experience, either shop at 2:00am like all the other weirdos or talk to the manager about renting out the entire store so that you don't have to share.

Stop parking in spaces you have to back out of. Listen up, if you cannot rotate your head far enough to look behind you, or check your rear view mirrors, then you should take a little bus like all your other special friends, instead of running over people like me or my kids.

Stop tailgating me. I can't move faster than the car in front of me. Do you think I have helicopter blades hidden in my sunroof or something? You know when I see you at the next red light you're just going to feel like a fucker ... and you are, Fucker!

This is my final warning, Idiots. I'm carrying a squirt gun full of Kim Chee juice, the worst smell in the world. Its like rotten foot juice mixed with old man farts. I am going to track you down and squirt it inside your car, or your purse, or the back of your pants and you won't even know what hit you until it's too late.

8 comments:

  1. Are you talking to me?!

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  2. I'm with you on ALL of this! I was even going to do a post about tailgating this week! Ugh!

    Rotten foot juice mixed with old man farts?! Damn! My eyebrows fell off just imagining the stench.

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  3. Damn that's stinky!

    Grocery store idiots are the worst. Is it me or are more people riding in those damn carts these days?

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  4. Dear Mike: Yes, I'm talking to you and all your little friends: Ben Dover, Hugh Jassman, Wayne Kerr, and especially Mike Rotch.

    Akilah - Don't let me stop you. Write a post about tailgaiting! I have one too!

    Summer - I'm always so jealous. I totally want to take one of those babies out for a spin.

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  5. This blog is in direct response to my Roller Derby Grocery Store WWF, right, right???
    And, I do believe that we quite possible have it the worst at our own little corner grocery, my dearest capital Q. I HATE getting there when the old bus rolls in...might as well turn around, because what was going to be a short trip to the store is now going to be bumper carts with the old folks. not to mention having to climb to get things from teh tall shelves for them!

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  6. HA HAAAAAAAA !!! Love it ... what if I ran my shopping cart into yours??

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  7. kim chee juice grenades! love it!

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  8. kim chee is quite delicious. but smells like ass. yes. it does not come off the skin. (i lived in hawaii for six years and it's quite the common staple there. also grew up with a korean friend whose family used to leave the homemade kim chee jar on the table during dinner and everyone would dig in like they were doughnut holes...just one more bite, just one more bite.)

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