Friday, December 5, 2008

Looking for a Fight?

I was shopping in a grocery store that wasn't familiar to me. This takes extra focus and patience because they put everything in the wrong place. I usually start from the right of the store in produce and make my way through each and every aisle except for pet food and cleaning products, both of which I let other people deal with. I always finish up in the bread/bakery section on the far left. I do not stray from my pattern.

In this alien store, I was perplexed because the produce was on the left. What a stupid, stupid place to keep the produce. Everyone knows its supposed to be on the other side of the store, God! So I gather a cantaloupe and a head of lettuce. I only had a few items to get so I skipped some aisles. I didn't want to financially support a grocery store that ignored logic and had it all wrong. At last I entered the final section on the other side of the store and that's when I noticed my purse was missing.

My heart stopped and I turned red all over. My adrenaline kicked on hyper speed mode and I ran .... RAN .... to the front of the store so that I could watch the exit doors. I grabbed a large guy that worked there and said "My purse is missing from my cart. I think someone stole it! Watch the exits for a big red purse!" I paced like a shark. I played out the scenario in my head of how I was going to get my purse back. I do this all the time; imagine different scenarios where I need to get my kids out of a burning building, stave off a rapist, roll out of a moving vehicle, rescue a choking victim, chase a kidnapper in my car, ad infinitum. I think I'm ready for anything.

As I'm stalking for my opponent, I realize how I can trap him. I tell the grocery guy "Call my cell phone! Its in my purse" Ha ha ha!!! Perfect. It will ring, they won't be able to turn it off and I'll get 'em. It was late and the store was rather empty so it was quiet enough to hear the custom ring tone. We waited and hushed and listened. Ready to pounce.

RING, RING, RING .... The grocery guy and I locked eyes and I said in a quiet evil voice "I'm going to drop kick the mother fucker" I full throttle sprinted to the left of the store to take back what's mine. There it was, my big red purse in a shopping cart. Also in the the shopping cart was a cantaloupe and some lettuce. I looked around and no one was there. Confused and a little disappointed, I returned to the front of the store. I looked in the other cart and realized it wasn't mine. I had stolen someone's cart way back in the vegetable aisle. Apparently the person who had their cart stolen just gave up and got a new cart. My purse and cart were sitting there all alone for about 30 minutes, nothing was missing.

I had to admit to the grocery guy and the manager what a huge mistake I had made. I was apologetic and humiliated. The manager assured me that people lose their carts all the time (yah, probably old people)and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. The grocery guy said quietly "I've never heard anyone say 'I'm going to drop kick the mother-fucker' before." His eyes were all wide and innocent.

This is why my husband worries about me.


  1. That is too funny. I was never a purse-loser, but a good friend was, so we used to steal it from her all the time and put it somewhere else. She never suspected that she wasn't the one who lost it.

  2. We definately need to consider this maneuver at our next blogger event.

  3. I had to read this again because it is sooooo funny! I look forward to seeing what you have written each day and find myself rereading if there is nothing new. Then
    I share with others I know haven't read your blog. Thanks for the entertainment and giving me good stories to tell. But thanks most of all for sharing your stories so i know that I am not alone, at least one other person out there thinks like me!!

  4. Good,funny, interesting posts! I like your writing style. No holds bar.

  5. Dear sfnative,

    Thanks! I like your commenting style!


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