Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The House with STDs

What's the first thing you do when you know someone is coming to the house? Stash that crap!

I have an appointment with the cable guy this morning. His name is John and he's going to bundle my services and save me $30 per month. According to my husband, that works out to $360 a year. This is almost the exact price of a iPod Touch that my daughter wants for Christmas. So, keep your fingers crossed honey.

The appointment was for 8:00am. This left me hardly any time to prepare: I sprayed smelly stuff in the downstairs bathroom that always smells like pee. I blame this on the previous owners' eight-year old son. Boys are notorious for peeing on floors and I'm not convinced that some other people in this house have grown out of it. We've tried everything to evacuate the smell except ripping the subfloor out and replacing all the plumbing.

Then I cleaned the bedrooms (i.e., I systematically shut each door). I hauled the pile of little shoes, backpacks, and discarded lunch bags from the entry hall. Lastly, I brushed my hair but forgot my teeth.

When the cable guy came to his appointment this morning, he thought he'd be dealing with a responsible adult so he's talking in big words like router and co-ax like I know what he's getting at. I just nod and say "Hmmm" and "uh-huh" and he keeps on going, bless his little heart. "Where's the access to the crawl space?" he says. Shit! Its in the worst bedroom in the most horrible closet. I hope he doesn't have dust allergies or a weak stomach. I was also forced to give him access to the girls room and I could almost hear his voice in my head "Is this the best you can do all day?" I'm hoping he thinks I have a full-time important job that keeps me from organizing and cleaning all day.

John is going to disconnect me all day long. No television, no internet, no phone, no music. Obviously this is a conspiracy to make me clean all those embarrassing areas out of sheer boredom and shame. I feel like I'm at the gynecologists office and I just accidentally farted during the exam. This is humiliating.


  1. How'd that bundling work out for you??

  2. youi make me laugh out loud! even wehn i am in a pissy mood and want to be grumpy. i guess it serves me right for going to my funny place. i knew what would happen.
    damn you, sharon!

  3. Here's two things the readers should know:

    1. The bundling did not work because we don't get U-verse in our area yet. He was here from 8:15 to 2:30 and climbed under the house, up a pole, in the closet, behind all the tvs, and totally fucked up my internet. All that and, nope, didn't work.

    2. The only reason Gina is asking how it worked out is because she is basking in the glory of I-told-you-so-ism. She thought I was nuts go even try this bundling madness and in the end she was right. HERE THAT GINA, YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!


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