Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Mall Massage


Today’s my birthday and nobody forgot. I’m feeling kind of special, not in the retarded way this time, just plain special. For a treat, I made my way to the mall for a Mall Massage. This freaks my friends out and they ALL say “You mean the chair massage in the middle of the mall?!” and they’re horrified at my audaciousness, but that only encourages me. It makes me feel like I’m so much braver (and I probably am). The truth is that I’m a total massage slut.

Years ago I had an uptight friend whom I have since broke it off with. She told me that she could “never have a stranger rub her feet” and I replied “Really? I would let the homeless guy downtown rub my feet.” I just couldn’t figure her out. Was she worried about a foot rub being just too intimate? I considered that her sex-life must be extremely b.o.r.i.n.g.

The first time I had a chair massage at the mall I struggled while watching all the pairs of legs passing me by while my face was planted inside the giant donut. Sometimes the legs would slow down in front of my chair and I didn’t know if they were watching me or just loitering. I was horrified to imagine that maybe my underwear was peeping out above my waistband. Or maybe the masseuse was talking about me in Thai language saying “look at this giant American with her fat arms. She smells like fried onions.” I don’t know what they’re doing or saying up there. I was concentrating on how much it tickled or hurt or it was too soft. I was hoping I wouldn’t relax too much and accidentally fart. How much should I tip? Should I tip? Oh my God, look at all my mascara I left on the paper!

By the way, the above picture I just found on the internet. It is not me, or my Thai masseuse, or even my mall cop, but don't you just love his big mounty hat? What are they, Canadian?

But I somehow made my way through it and felt so invigorated. Really it was the best massage I’ve ever had and it was only $15 … with tip! So I decided to just “suck it up, Mary” and develop my own mental trip. Now when I go for my mall massage, I just relax and enjoy the moment. I think that anyone who thinks I’m a fool, is a bigger fool, because look who’s getting a massage for $15! Come on by and take a long look at me! Happy Birthday to me.

4 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to the bravest funniest person I know, you are an inspiration to us all!!

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  2. I absolutely LOVE mall massage! Linda J and I plan to go every Tuesday night between now and Christmas. I am a junkie like you - I knew there were more reasons why I intuitively liked you. Join us whenever you are in town! Hope you had a happy birthday. - Bridget

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  3. I was horrified to imagine that maybe my underwear was peeping out above my waistband. Or maybe the masseuse was talking about me in Thai language saying “look at this giant American with her fat arms.


    Beauty & Fashion

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