I was lost again today; this time on my bike. Luckily I had my cell phone and was able to call one of the T.W.A.T.’s for Emergency Location Assistance. After I was rerouted and returned to home base alive, I felt compelled to share some other lifesaving information I’ve learned since training for a triathlon
Stunted Motivation Syndrome: Patients suffer complete loss of ethics and will lie, cheat and steel to avoid any recreation or training.
Treatment: Patient must be rushed to the nearest sporting goods store to obtain a total athletic gear transplant. This may vary from patient to patient, but historically every piece of sporting apparel must be replaced with new improved faster dryer cuter apparel.
Bicycle Seat Episiotomy: Symptoms are often confused with getting a brick shoved up their crack. Patients are frequently convinced of an invisible sandcastle in their underwear causing massive chaffing.
Treatment: Installation of a bicycle gel seat cover and 800mg of ibuprofen. To further ease discomfort, sit on a bag of frozen peas.
Turkey Neck Snapectomy: Many patients who’ve contracted Turkey Neck Syndrome (self-explanatory disease) have suffered a Turkey Neck Snapectomy as a result. See the real "Turkey Neck" story.
Treatment: Prevention is really the key to T.N.S. Always have a professional Emergency Medical Technician hold back the loose neck skin while simultaneously snapping the bicycle helmet buckle. If medical assistance is not readily available, persons prone to T.N.S. should duct tape their helmets to their head.
Lastly, I would like to reiterate how important it is to have a cell phone or a friend with you when out on the trails. I am a weirdo magnet, as I’m sure some of you are as well. So I’ve decided to always carry a phone. Also, I’m having a helmet made that says “Race for the Herpes Cure”.