Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Tourist Trap

I’ve lived in a popular tourist area for a few years and so I’ve been ruined. Whenever I’m around groups of tourists, I just want to play with them. Here are two very innocent and completely charming things that I do that I will not go to hell or jail for. I may get beat-up someday though.

I will give my camera to my friend. (The friend best suited for this job is one with a wicked sense of humor but too much tact to attempt something so childish.) I tell her to run ahead and then turn around and take a bunch of pictures of me with those people. I’ll wait for a group to approach and nonchalantly I stick myself right in the group, either on the side or even in the middle. As I turn my head towards them, they start to sense something different about their group, that there has been an addition or subtraction or something. Then I’ll open my mouth or pantomime a conversation with them until I’m sure the picture has been taken. Its fun to hold your arms out like you’re discussing something really big. Or put one hand on your hip and point a finger at them. Or you could do jazz hands!

Here’s a picture of me with total strangers at a theme park. To fully appreciate the comedy you must click on the picture for a close-up of the expressions on the people I've invaded. I'm the tall one on the left. Notice the woman right next to me? She's at a diagonal trying to stear away from me. Then, how about the women with the tonque sticking out!!! I have lots of pictures with lots of strangers. I like to collect them like a weird family album. A family that I’ll never know and may just beat the shit out of me someday.

The other tourist game I like to play is called Kick the Poop. Alright, for this you’re going to have to get some good quality rubber dog poop. Don’t welfare-out and get hard stuff that looks like it came out of a dead poodle. You need the soft shiny rubber poop in a big pile. Then go to a very, very large tourist trap like, let’s say a boardwalk. Place the poop on a heavily trafficked sidewalk and then go across the street to watch. You must have a great distance between you and the poop because you are going to laugh so hard that you’ll just blow it. I know you will.

The scene: A giant crowd converges on the poop and nobody notices and you wonder if this is really going work. Just then, someone feels it under their shoe and they look down. They stop and hop and check the bottom of their shoe. But the crowd is just so thick that they can’t slow down. The crowd is in control. But there’s a woman right behind him and she sees him check his shoes and because of her shit-phobia, she goes into hyperdrive freak out to back away. This causes a major tourist pile-up. Then there’s the second wave of people who don’t know what is going on around here so they pass them up and then Bam! They’re hopping and skipping and two-stepping around the poop too. There is only one danger. Someone might just bend down and take your poop. But that’s okay because you have it all on video!

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