Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My Life in a Burqas

I was at an amusement park this summer and there was this middle eastern family that I was entranced by. It was the father, wearing something boring and the mother, wearing a full on burqas (pronounced "Birkah"), and her little son of approximately two-years of age. We were watching our little ones travel around the oval track in miniaturized 18 wheelers with "Coca Cola" and "Pepsi" painted on the sides.

I was standing at the fence, waving at my daughter and acting like a teenage runaway hitch hiker on a lonely interstate trying to flag down a trucker. I'm trying pretty hard to get a silly smile from her and its working. As she laps in front of me, we lock eyes and "Snap" goes the picture. I got a few to choose from.

Then I glance over in the direction of the other family. The dad is sitting on the bench "resting" and the mom has the camera and is trying to get her son to wave. She is waving. This is all she can do. It was amazing to watch this mom try and get a smile with just two eyes and a hand. Then I wondered about other challenges with parenting in a Burqas.

For instance, sometimes I don't have to say a word, I just give my girls the look. I'm really good at it too. With just one look they know exactly how close I am to one of my little "fits". They can also tell when I'm hungry or PMS-ing by the look on my face. Or when one of them is going to tell so-and-so that I said "they can never go over to their house again because Mommy said she doesn't allow us to play with dangerous children who eat crap all day."

But honestly, I would trade it all for the wondrous joys of total body privacy. Just think about all the advantages at the grocery store: Some old fart cuts in front of you, just tuck your hand inside and give them the finger. Or how about when you have to buy tampons, ice cream and Pepto-Bismol all at the same time. What if you see that Mom who always gives you mean looks at school pick-up and she's big and ugly and you don't know what her problem is. She'll never know how scared you are because you look so naturally nonchalant in your Burqas.

Then there's all the dining out advantages. Let's say you really pound down some big dinner, order dessert and then your clothes don't fit. Not any more, 'cause you wear a Burqas! Eat whatever you want (although, I just need to admit that I don't know how to get the food in the eye holes and into my mouth). Did you consider the all-you-can-eat buffet? We could hook giant ziplock bags onto a belt, under the Burqas, and then just load up all the muffins and salad we want! So, its a money saver too!

Oh man, the money we'll save ... until the designers find out about our brilliant body tent, then they'll start messing with it. We'll have tericloth for summer swim parties. For Christmas, we can have them made in green and hang ornaments on the outside - Oh God, can we find a hat with a big star on top? Or a simple red velvet with a white faux-fur trim for special parties and family photos for the Seasonal Post Card.

I strongly encourage teenagers to wear them. Just keep an eye on her at school because she'll probably try and roll it up so everyone can see her ankles, the little hussy. Or maybe your daughter's a rebel and she'll slash it up and then put safety pins all over the God damned place. Or, if she's kind of artsy, she could splatter paint her Burqas and express herself. Wouldn't it be awful if they were tagged by gangs with spray paint? Oh, I'd hate to see a young lady walking down the street with "Chill'n Zs Bitch" on her back. Its not her fault, don't laugh.

There's a lot to consider, but mostly its a phenomenally great idea and I'm going to start wearing them right away. I'll probably start with a black one, because its so slimming. So, if you see me walking down the street, just come up and say "Hey Queenie! Love your blog!" and I'll probably give you a big hug ... or something like that.


  1. My daughter had a soccer game yesterday far, far away from home, and there were women in burqas there!
    I am certain that they were flipping us off from under the many layers of fabric in the 100 degree heat while us other mommies were in our flip flops and halter tops showing far too much skin.

  2. Enjoying your writing, thanks.

    I have thought how it would be a relief to wear the bag. No holding in stomach, and no boob size comparisons! Whew. And no oogling from men, which I thought I'd be through by now, but they never stop.

    Once, in a group experiment on mental health, we were all blindfolded. I was surprised at the relief in that.

    Still, can you even believe shit like this still goes on in this world?

    Best of wishes to you. I think I'll explore this place.

  3. Great reading! I need to go for a round here to get more


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